When my idiot dog thinks I’m going to make her walk next to the road (she hates cars) so she runs uphill into the woods instead of coming with me to do another loop around the trail.
The song that goes “Don’t be afraid to catch
fish feels.” My #1 most-hated song.
Gyms with loud music. When they play it so loud you can’t even hear your own music with headphones on—thank you, for taking away my choice of music and forcing me to listen to yours. Not.
The fact that stores are allowed to make you return stuff for store credit instead of just giving you a refund. I understand if it’s without tags or after, say, 30 days, but otherwise this should be illegal.
Being forced to wipe out the microwave after practically every time I use it. When I live alone, I let the splattered bits of food build up until they’re solidly caked onto the interior. Every once in a while I make bacon, and then there’s enough bacon-y steam to loosen up the dried-out gunk that I can wipe it all off at once. This seems way more efficient than doing it every time.
But when I live with other people, they’re all “This is gross.” I tell them the food is being cooked every time anyway, so it’s not like bacteria is a concern. It’s like the seasoning on a cast-iron pan! Sadly, they remain unconvinced, and so I must sacrifice many a paper towel to remove the offending splatters immediately.
People who mumble. Why do you bother saying something I can’t hear? SAY IT LOUDER, GODDAMNIT. Or write it down if you must.
Look, I’m a patient person. I’ll give you three chances to repeat yourself. But if you’re still mumbling after that, I’m going to treat you like a sentient life-form on the same level as a worm. Kindly do not speak to me again.
When parents let their toddlers learn to walk in a crowded area. One time in Montreal, I saw a child toddling along holding its parents’ hands. How sweet. But this was at Berri-Uqam metro station, where everyone rushes off the train and climbs up or down the platform levels to get to the other line.
Thousands streamed around this family while they lumbered across the platform, oblivious to the risk of stampeding commuters.
Parents like these are not only a danger to their children, but a public nuisance. I want to follow them with a megaphone shouting “PICK UP YOUR CHILD. YOU ARE SLOWING EVERYONE DOWN. PULL OVER AND PICK UP YOUR CHILD NOW.”
People who meander every which way through the aisles at Costco. I propose they hand out padding at the entrance and let us body-check anyone too slow to get out of the way. I would also pay extra for “non-amateur hours” during which anyone who waddles across lanes, stares slackjawed at displays for minutes on end, or plays phone games while operating a shopping cart is banned.
When POLYVORE WAS SHUT DOWN!!!!!! This goes beyond annoyance and into a state of existential angst. The fashion retailer SSENSE bought it and redirected polyvore.com to their own site without warning—an unforgivable sin. I had spent hundreds of hours curating my collections on there, including dozens more ugly clothes with funny captions, and THEY TOOK IT ALL AWAY WITHOUT WARNING!!!!!!!
I guess I should be grateful it’s gone, because of all the time I no longer waste on there, but it just means I watch more pointless YouTube videos instead. Polyvore, you are dearly missed.
When your coat has velcro closures that ruin your knit scarf.
When your shampoo &c bottles get all gross in the shower. (Odd that I care about this one and not the microwave thing, eh? But I actually only started noticing this when my brother got annoyed at me for never closing the lid on the shampoo after I used it.) Marie Kondo says she solves this problem by taking all her toiletries out of the shower, wiping them dry, and putting them away, but that seems like too much work.
When you drink tea every day and it stains your teeth brown. And then you use whitening strips to fix it, but that’s probably wearing away the enamel, which only makes you more susceptible to having brown teeth in future.
People who act like I’m soooo ridiculous for wearing sunscreen and a hat on a cloudy day. (And for having my hat on indoors.)
The other day it was cloudy and I was inside all day and I had factor-50 sunscreen on, and I still got burnt. (Because I didn’t have a hat or factor 100+ sunscreen on.)
I’m posting a picture of the incident here so that in future I can refer anyone who questions my hat to this post.
The inconvenience of driving in snow. Doesn’t “too much snow” seem like a problem that belongs in the 19th century, along with “It rained and now our dirt road is washing away?”
When someone asks you to watch their stuff for five minutes, but they actually take ten minutes, and you have to pee—but you can’t abandon your post, because what if their laptop gets stolen while you’re in the bathroom? So now you’re stuck on unpaid guard duty with no end in sight, and by the time they get back you’re filled with unspeakable resentment.
People who get offended when you point out that their kid is annoying. I’m saying this now so you can hold me to it later: if my hypothetical future kids are annoying, I won’t get all righteous and indignant whenever anyone says so.
(Obviously I wouldn’t let someone insult my child, but insults are different. If someone rightly calls my kid annoying, I’ll just shrug and agree. Kids need to learn: If you don’t want people to call you annoying, don’t annoy them.)
I once insulted my friend’s mom like this. I got in the carpool minivan and said to my friend, “Wow, I see what you mean. Your little sister is sooo annoying.” At that moment, her sister was bouncing off the walls singing. You’d think her mother would be like “OMG, tell me about it! I wish she’d be quiet.”
But did her mom take it like a reasonable person? Nooo. She got all offended and snapped at me, “Don’t say that! [Name] is a wonderful creative child!” And I was like, “Uh huh, sure, at other times, maybe—but you’ve got to agree right now she’s being annoying.” For some reason my friend’s mom remained tight-lipped for the rest of the drive.
I’ve since learned that stating “Your kid is being annoying” is often taken as a cruel insult. I still don’t know why. Are parents stuck in doublethink, where they know deep down that their kid is annoying, but they’ve convinced themselves otherwise, and the truth is too painful to contemplate? Or do they think they’re protecting their child by shielding them from criticism—as if their child is so fragile, their spirit would be shattered by the mere suggestion that someone found their shouts annoying? Do these parents genuinely not see how singing Bananas in Pyjamas in a high-pitched, wheedling tone while spasmodically pressing the car window buttons could be irritating? Are they deaf and/or blind? It boggles the mind.
People who call their dogs “fur babies.” I imagine babies sprouting hair all over their bodies. Or clumps of fur that you’ve sewn together and stuck googly eyes on to pretend they’re children.
The fact that I can’t think of a nineteenth thing to add to this list.